Enneagram 8 in Relationships

Enneagram 8, also known as the Challenger, is a personality type characterized by confidence, assertiveness, and a desire for control. As someone with an Enneagram type eight personality, you may tend to approach relationships with a direct and straightforward style, and value close, intimate connections with others.

However, you may also struggle with vulnerability and trust, and finding a balance between your need for autonomy and your desire for close connections with others can be a challenge. We'll explore how Enneagram eight individuals tend to approach relationships, including intimate relationships and friendships, and discuss strategies for finding balance and achieving personal growth in these areas.

How Enneagram 8 Approches Relationships

Enneagram 8s tend to have a confident and assertive approach to relationships. They use direct and straightforward communication, usually not afraid to speak their minds or advocate for their own needs.

This can show itself in their refusal to shy away from difficult or confrontational conversations. They may value honesty and authenticity and may prefer to get to the point rather than beat around the bush. Enneagram 8s have a strong sense of justice and fairness and will stand up for what they believe in, even if it means going against the norm or facing conflict.

Understanding Enneagram 8 Intimacy

Type 8s desire to have close, intimate connections with others. Despite their assertive and independent nature, Enneagram 8 individuals often have a deep desire for close, intimate connections with others. They may value deep emotional bonds and seek out relationships that offer emotional depth and support. This is true regardless of if it's a romantic relationship or a budding friendship with someone they just met. There just isn't an interest in something shallow.

Type 8 Challenges with Vulnerability

Enneagram eight individuals may struggle with vulnerability and trust in their relationships. They may have a fear of being taken advantage of or controlled and may find it difficult to let their guard down and be open and vulnerable with others. Building trust and learning to be more open and vulnerable can be important for type 8s to have more fulfilling and healthy relationships.

The Enneagram type eight's core motivation is control. That doesn't mean they need to be in control, it just means they don't want to be controlled. An 8's need to not be controlled coupled with their struggle to be vulnerable and access some of the softer emotions is one of the reasons that anger is their easiest emotion to access. I've written about the basic desire of Enneagram eight along with other traits in this past post.

Enneagram Type 8 Love Relationships

Type 8s can be passionate and intense in romantic relationships. As mentioned earlier, Enneagram 8s have a massive desire for deep emotional connection and intimacy and therefore bring a lot of energy and intensity to the relationship. They can be deeply committed to their partner and strong desire for deep emotional connection and intimacy.

The emotional drive of an 8 is lust. Don't confuse this with sexual lust. Think of it more as that drive for intensity. When an eight is in a romantic relationship, they are all in. A type 8 will seek out connection and is driven to nurture their intimate relationships.

This can of course looks a bit different depending on their health or their subtypes. Healthy eights are less codependent and there are other differences between a sexual eight, social eight, and a self preservation eight for example. However, an 8 generally desires a strong emotional bond with their person.

An 8's fight for control can lead to conflict with their partner. It is important to allow your type eight partner to retain autonomy and independence. The biggest challenge is finding a balance between that autonomy, proper communication, and that vulnerability that they struggle with so much. Proper communication of needs and desires can help them be more comfortable showing those softer feelings a loved one might crave.

Type Eights with Type One

Enneagram 8 individuals and Enneagram type one individuals (Reformers) may have a complex and potentially challenging dynamic in relationships. This is because they have some shared traits, such as a desire for control and a tendency to be assertive, but they also have some significant differences that may cause conflicts or misunderstandings.

Enneagram 8s and type 1s share a desire for control. Both types value independence and autonomy and may have a strong desire to be in control of their own lives and the situations around them.

It can be a source of strength in a relationship, as both individuals may be able to support and respect each other's need for control. However, it can also lead to conflicts if one person tries to assert control over the other, or if there is a lack of communication about boundaries and needs.

Another shared trait is a tendency to be assertive and confident. Both Enneagram 8 and 1 individuals may be comfortable expressing their opinions and desires and may be less hesitant to initiate difficult or confrontational conversations.

Assertiveness can be helpful in a relationship, as it allows for open and honest communication. However, it can also lead to conflicts if one person is more assertive or confrontational than the other, or if there is a lack of consideration for the other person's feelings or needs.

Despite these shared traits, there are also significant differences between them that may cause conflicts or misunderstandings. Enneagram eights tend to be more emotionally intense and passionate, while Enneagram ones tend to be more controlled and rational.

Eights may also have a stronger desire for close, intimate connections, while ones may value independence and personal space. These differences can lead to misunderstandings or conflicts if they are not understood and managed effectively.

Open and honest communication about their needs, boundaries, and feelings is important. Be willing to work on understanding and respecting each other's differences. This can help to create a strong and fulfilling relationship despite the challenges.

Type Eight with Type Two

Enneagram eights and type two individuals (Helpers) share a desire for close, intimate connections, but they also have some differing traits that may cause conflicts or misunderstandings.

Both types value close, supportive relationships, and may have a strong desire for emotional depth and intimacy. Such intimacy is a source of strength in the relationship, as both individuals are able to support and encourage each other's need for close connections. At times, it can lead to conflicts if one person becomes overly reliant on the other for emotional support, or if there is a lack of communication about boundaries and needs.

Both tend to be caring and supportive in their relationships (8 goes to 2 in health), often going out of their way to help and support those they care about. This can be helpful in a relationship, as it allows for a sense of mutual support and connection. But, it can also lead to one person becoming overly supportive or sacrificing, leading to a lack of consideration for their own needs and boundaries.

Enneagram 8 individuals tend to be more assertive and independent, while Enneagram 2 individuals tend to be more nurturing and supportive. Enneagram 8 individuals may also have a stronger desire for control and autonomy, while Enneagram 2 individuals may value interdependence and connection. These differences can lead to misunderstandings or conflicts if they are not understood and managed effectively.

Type Eight with Type Three

Enneagram eight individuals and Enneagram three individuals (Achievers) share a desire for success and a tendency to be confident and assertive. Both types tend to be ambitious and driven, and may have a strong desire to succeed in their personal and professional lives. This can be a source of strength in a relationship, as both individuals may be able to support and encourage each other's goals and aspirations. It can also lead to conflicts if one person becomes overly competitive or focused on achieving their own goals, or if there is a lack of balance between their personal and relationship goals.

Both also tend to be confident and assertive in their relationships and may be comfortable expressing their opinions and desires. This can allow for open and honest communication. However, they must avoid a lack of consideration for the other person's feelings or needs.

Type Eight with Type Four

Enneagram 8s and Enneagram type four individuals (Individualists) share a desire for emotional depth and a tendency to be sensitive and introspective. This can be great as both individuals may be able to support and encourage each other's need for shared emotional connection. It can lead to conflicts if one person becomes overly emotional or starts feeling dependent on the other, or if there is a lack of balance between their need for intimacy and their need for autonomy.

Another shared trait is a tendency to be sensitive and introspective. Both Enneagram 8 and 4 individuals tend to be sensitive and introspective and may be more in touch with their own emotions and inner experiences.

Type Eight with Type Five

Enneagram type eight and Enneagram type five individuals (Thinkers) have a desire for independence and a tendency to be analytical and independent in common. Both types value independence and autonomy and may have a strong desire to be in control of their own lives and the situations around them.

Both have a tendency to be analytical and independent and may value their own space and time to think and reflect. However, unhealthy eights go to type five in stress so this analytical space is not always good for an eight. However, healthy eights can relate very strongly to the mind of a five and this can create an environment of understanding in intimate relationships.

Enneagram 8 individuals tend to be more emotionally intense and passionate, while Enneagram 5 individuals tend to be more reserved and detached. Enneagram eights may have a stronger desire for close, intimate connections, while Enneagram fives may value independence and personal space.

Type Eight with Type Six

Enneagram type eight and Enneagram type six individuals (Loyalists) both want security and stability. Both types have a strong desire for supportive, reliable relationships. Both individuals may be able to support and encourage each other's need for security and stability. However, there can be an over-reliance on the other for emotional support.

Enneagram 8 and 6 individuals tend to be supportive and loyal in their relationships. Each may go out of their way to help and protect those they care about. Type sixes can feel very safe with the strong, confident eight. Type six individuals tend to prepare for the worst as a means of staying safe. The confidence of the eight can work to ease that tendency in a different way.

Type Eight with Type Seven

Enneagram type eight and Enneagram type seven individuals (Enthusiasts) both have a tendency to be energetic and adventurous. They both have a strong desire to be in control of their own lives and the situations around them. Each has a strong desire for new experiences and excitement. This allows for a sense of exploration and growth. However, it can open up possibilities for extreme selfishness if one person ends up too focused on their own desires and interests.

Conflict can arise from their differences. Eights can be emotionally intense and passionate, while sevens tend to be more lighthearted and carefree. Enneagram 8 individuals may also have a stronger desire for close, intimate connections, while Enneagram 7 individuals may value independence and personal space.

Type Eight with Type Eight

Enneagram eights in relationships with other Enneagram eights can have a dynamic that is both challenging and fulfilling. This is because both individuals share a desire for control and autonomy, a tendency to be assertive and confident, and a capacity for deep, passionate emotions. Type eights rely heavily on their gut instinct, but this means that there is a lot of potential for disagreement in decisions. If communication is a weakness in a relationship between eights, it can be quite explosive.

Since both individuals value independence and autonomy and may have a strong desire to be in control of their own lives and the situations around them, there can be a fight for control in the relationship. Also, since both struggle with vulnerability, there have to be real intentions set within the relationship in order to break down those barriers. However, healthy eights are incredibly caring and affectionate. Therefore, a healthy relationship between two eights can one of the most caring.

Type Eight with Type Nine

Enneagram eight and Enneagram type nine individuals (Peacemakers) can be a great relationship. Both have a desire for stability and a tendency to be easygoing and adaptable. They share a strong desire for supportive, reliable relationships. Nines need to be careful not to give into their tendency to be self-forgetting and let the eight's gut instinct run wild. However, eights can help nines be more active and adventurous and nines can help their eight partners slow down and focus on self-care.

Enneagram 8 in Friendships

Romantic relationships and friendships don't always look too different from each other. Relationship dynamics can be very similar, just without the romantic tilt. Here are some characteristics of Enneagram eights when it comes to friendships:

• Tendency to be loyal and supportive friends
• Desire for close, meaningful connections with friends
• Potential challenges with boundary-setting and maintaining independence
• Importance of finding a balance between being supportive and maintaining personal autonomy
• Tendency to be loyal and supportive friends: Enneagram 8 individuals tend to be loyal and supportive friends, and may go out of their way to help and support those they care about. They may be reliable and dependable and may be there for their friends through thick and thin.
• Desire for close, meaningful connections with friends: Despite their independent nature, Enneagram eights often value close, meaningful connections with their friends, and may seek out friendships that offer emotional depth and support.
• Potential challenges with boundary-setting and maintaining independence: Enneagram 8 individuals may struggle with setting boundaries and maintaining their independence in their friendships. They may have a tendency to become overly involved in their friends' lives or to have difficulty saying no or setting limits. It is important for them to find a balance between being supportive and maintaining their own autonomy.
• Importance of finding a balance between being supportive and maintaining personal autonomy: In order to have healthy and fulfilling friendships, Enneagram 8 individuals may need to work on finding a balance between being supportive and maintaining their own autonomy. This may involve setting boundaries, learning to say no when necessary, and finding ways to support their friends while also taking care of themselves.

This is by no means a comprehensive look at Enneagram 8 in relationships. Nor is it safe to assume someone is defined their Enneagram stereotype. Human beings are ever-changing and how we interact with one another can change from moment to moment. However, it is good to know yourself and know your partner so you can be prepared for challenges that may come. And it doesn't hurt to understand the “love language” of your partner either. Nothing is a substitute for good communication and patience.